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A slight release and relief

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Jun. 15th, 2011 | 10:19 pm

My anxiety around the "arrow" or gravitational redirect on my daughter's life path in a year or so's time is decreasing a little.

I still see the arrow there, a big heavy weight across all the possibilities that skews most of them in new directions like a prism refracting white light into lots of colours at new angles. And most of the possibilities aren't bad in themselves, at least not down the track, but the experience of that arrow is in most possibilities not pleasant. Not at all. I've spent a lot of time in recent months trying not to think about it, as I see tiny factors creeping into her life that intensify the probabilities of the worse options, that bring them one step closer to actually existing. It's no use to me or her if I obsess on it, far better that I just maintain a steadiness of projection and help prepare her with the resilience and self-belief and skills to survive. I don't get much choice about what happens myself, to my knowledge, I just get the chance to give her whatever she needs to survive it all OK. Which is what we do with all our children as they grow up and I've always accepted that - but it terrifies me that I face this, and that she needs what I can teach her or give her, when she'll be only three.

But my concern has dropped a little, just in one hit recently. I'm not sure what changed, but somehow, suddenly, something has. There's now a protection across many of the possibilities - hard to describe it, but basically, the people are now present and attached that will help her when she's in the time and place where I can't. She's no longer completely on her own, at least not for long. I don't know who they are, and I suspect they vary across the possibilities - but they're there. The help has been created. When she needs it, it will be there. Doesn't reduce my worry entirely, but it's enough to stop me bursting into tears at random (and not-so-random) moments over it.

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