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Some thoughts on the Schmetterling, the Grünermann and magic

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Feb. 5th, 2011 | 11:03 pm

I haven't posted for a while. Many reasons, partly exhaustion from this second pregnancy, partly lack of anything much happening on the magic, sexuality or spiritual side of life. My days mostly consist of entertaining and guiding a toddler. But there's a few things I should make note of, and don't think I have previously. I might be wrong on that, my memory is shaky lately.

First, a quick summary on some stuff to do with the Schmetterling which I may have previously posted in some forms. When I was pregnant with her, I was restricted from practicing magic. I'm still not totally sure why but it was something to do with an incompatibility of some sort. She has plenty of magic of her own, a similar kind of connection to the one I do, she certainly displays the glamourie or something similar projection-wise. And you'd think her magic would be related to mine, but I get the feeling that while some things are related, much more of it is like her father's in some way. I won't really know much about this for a long time I suspect. I know she has at least one totem animal - the koala - and probably shares one totem tree each with her father (apple) and my mother (redwood) but that's still quite vague and may well change, it's a child's setting rather than an adult practitioner's setting. And I may be misreading, kinda hard to tell at this point. Regarding past lives and previous connections, I don't sense a great deal of previous connection between myself and her. There's a hint of memory that she was someone I knew in my past life with my old companion back on the wall north of Hadrian's, not well but a young soldier that he and I kept an eye out for, and that that was the last ("most recent") life she and I shared. I also have a hint or two that her most recent life was as a young Western soldier in the Vietnam War, that she spent time talking with a priest related to that, and that she did not cope well with the war and did not live too long after (if at all). This should all be taken in my usual context of not-quite-believing in past lives as anything more than a useful story that elucidates the subconscious.

When it comes to her life path, I have the distinct feeling that while she carries the markers of the bloodline that I needed to ensure I passed on, these will not be the dominant force in her life. Those markers are like a time bomb, something waiting to happen that's been carried a long time and is almost there. 2050 or so is my guess, and probably her children will be the ones who activate it or are activated by it. The Schmetterling herself has more in her life path to do with my husband's family, some sense of redemption and refocusing, of taking elements they've brought and... shifting them. Or something like that. I'm not really sure, except that her life focuses more around her father's side of the family than mine. Even though her soul entered her body while I was at the family farm and centred in my own heartland (which I do think has some meaning), she will be less tied to the multi-generational work that my family's been doing for a long time now, possibly even completely and deliberately separated from it (as far as her nature allows). Lastly, in her life path I also sense some major issue when she is three. Something I have in my more emotional moments apologised to her and even cried for, though I don't know what it is. It may be as simple as just moving back to the city of her father's parents, I'd thought it might be when her sibling arrived but I'm wrong on that(!), or anything up to the worst imaginings a parent has. Whatever, and I don't know and try not to think about it in case I create it, regardless, I know that at that point she needs to rely on a lot more of her own self-resilience and her own competence, which is a big ask for a three year old. I would have been training her to competence anyway, but there's a certain pressure in me to ensure that by the time she's three she has a really strong sense of how to do things, how to look after and manage herself, and that she *can* do things, because after that I may not get much more chance. It's the things I do with her before she's three and before this thing happens that will be my biggest influence on her and on the directions she is able to take.

So, second, to the Grünermann. That's what I'll call him for now. My and W's son, not yet arrived. Magically, he is somewhat of a contrast. He was conceived in the tropics, in the early Dry season when life is full of green fire and everything is growing with sun and the memory of the monsoon. When the springs are still running full. When it was hot. Here in my current city, I've felt him respond to the season of green fire as it came and went in our late spring, felt him respond to the tides of the clouds brought on the northeasterly winds, felt him thrive on the feeling of my garden lighting up in warm rain and throwing out hundreds of tendrils, shoots and deep green leaves. Running wild. Where the Schmetterling seems attached to the winter cities, I suspect that the Grünermann will, like me, follow the sun. I've had no restrictions on practising magic while carrying him, no reluctance. I think it's because the magic in his blood is so akin to mine that there would be no conflict, or because he was conceived within such strong magic that the little things I might do will be almost imperceptible to him, either or both of those reasons could be right. Or wrong. I don't know, I just know that I wasn't given the "no magic" restriction this time. Maybe it's because he's not a sensitive at all whereas the Schmetterling will be. Who knows. I do know that the green fire will be a regular theme in his life. As far as anything else like totems or personality or connections or past lives goes, I don't know yet and won't know for some time. I didn't feel him arrive into his body in the same way I did the Schmetterling (who was very strong and vivid and clear), he was just eventually there. I don't yet have any sense of whether or not I have previous connections with him, I suspect I may have to see or hold him to be able to release the memories. I don't think his magic will work in a form that his father is able to really "get", there will be a conflict there. Not a conflict between them so much, but more like an incompatibility in the patterns they are each able to use.

As far as his life path goes, he is far more likely to take up the work of my family, and of my two children the one more likely to return to the farm and become a farmer. I don't know why I think or feel this. But it's there. I'm not sure if he carries the markers of my bloodline, that may be another thing I have to see him grow to be sure of. He may have them in a form that's harder for me to see - such as the form my brother has instead of the form I and my male cousin do (and that I think my mother's father had, which is the line I think the markers are coming down). I also don't have the same sense of something impending that I do for the Schmetterling. Well, I do, but it's not the same thing, not striking at either the same age or the same time and not requiring as much preparation. There is something on his life path at around the age of five, so almost four years after my daughter's thingy. I suspect school, maybe, because it doesn't feel as serious, just something that will have to be dealt with. Whatever affects her isn't going to touch him particularly. Whether that's because it won't reach him, or it will but he'll be too young to notice, or what, I don't know. But it leaves my worries reduced so I'm OK with that. I don't need to prepare him in the same way, but only in the way I would prepare him for a life well-lived regardless.

I really should sleep. I can't remember if I've written everything down that I was going to. But it will serve as a record of what I think I know or feel at this time.

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