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A slight release and relief

Jun. 15th, 2011 | 10:19 pm

My anxiety around the "arrow" or gravitational redirect on my daughter's life path in a year or so's time is decreasing a little.

I still see the arrow there, a big heavy weight across all the possibilities that skews most of them in new directions like a prism refracting white light into lots of colours at new angles. And most of the possibilities aren't bad in themselves, at least not down the track, but the experience of that arrow is in most possibilities not pleasant. Not at all. I've spent a lot of time in recent months trying not to think about it, as I see tiny factors creeping into her life that intensify the probabilities of the worse options, that bring them one step closer to actually existing. It's no use to me or her if I obsess on it, far better that I just maintain a steadiness of projection and help prepare her with the resilience and self-belief and skills to survive. I don't get much choice about what happens myself, to my knowledge, I just get the chance to give her whatever she needs to survive it all OK. Which is what we do with all our children as they grow up and I've always accepted that - but it terrifies me that I face this, and that she needs what I can teach her or give her, when she'll be only three.

But my concern has dropped a little, just in one hit recently. I'm not sure what changed, but somehow, suddenly, something has. There's now a protection across many of the possibilities - hard to describe it, but basically, the people are now present and attached that will help her when she's in the time and place where I can't. She's no longer completely on her own, at least not for long. I don't know who they are, and I suspect they vary across the possibilities - but they're there. The help has been created. When she needs it, it will be there. Doesn't reduce my worry entirely, but it's enough to stop me bursting into tears at random (and not-so-random) moments over it.

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There was movement at the station, for the word had got around...

Jun. 7th, 2011 | 09:26 pm

Just a note: have begun preparation for big change/move. Only little preparations, but still started. I removed myself from the key group of one of the organisations I've been working with, taking a step back and beginning to disassociate. I'll still do a little project work with them but it'll be short-term stuff that's fairly contained and has clear end points. Apart from one project which is due to start in August and will be ongoing, but I think once it's run a few months I will be able to step back from that. Or whenever I move, anyway. I'm not expecting to move any time soon. Just... preparing. There is a shift coming. And to that end I'm looking at (for instance) all the food in my food stores, the little jars of this and that, the staples that have sat there for some years, and starting to plan to use them up because they won't travel with me. That'll take time - I expect if I start now I should be through the dahl, the beans, the legume flours by sometime next year. And that's when it needs to be sorted by, so there's time. A bit of this, a bit of that. I don't have any firm plans. *We* don't have any firm plans. But there's a shift coming. I feel it in my bones, in the back of my head, at the tips of my hair, rather than knowing anything concrete. So I'm beginning to get ready. I want to be able to move easily and not have thousands of loose ends.

Of course, I'm writing this after we've just had several days in a row of northerly winds. So my senses may be distracted by that. But even so. It won't hurt to become a little more loosely attached to this place and time and moment of life.

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Mi hombre del verde

Jun. 6th, 2011 | 01:21 pm

So, we have our little boy. In my last post - way too long ago - I nicknamed him der Grünermann, or Green Man in German. I'm going to change that to Hombre del Verde. Spanish. While I speak German with the Schmetterling, and I think that language will feature in her life whether it's because of family, or backpacking in Europe, or working overseas, I don't know. If not, so be it, but it seemed a good language to work with. In contrast, mi hombre del verde is very clearly linked to Spanish. I don't know why, but I just get no impetus to do German with him and quite a clear push for Spanish. Maybe he'll end up working in tropical South America, or around the Mediterranean, or somewhere else unknown. Either way, I suspect warmth, and Spanish is a more useful language in such climes. I also suspect poor soils, places that are worn out or needing assistance, and they also have Spanish connections quite often. So I am beginning to brush up on my Spanish and speak it with him, slowly but surely. More work for me, but I think it will be useful.

Now that he's here, I can comment on a few more things about him emotionally, spiritually and magically. Like his sister he has striking eyes. Different, though. His gaze is profound, piercing where hers is compelling and enthralling. Instead of drawing you in, his eyes look right into you. I suspect he will be of greater intelligence than his sister, which is a high challenge in itself. He seeks eye contact, too, so it's not something you avoid. There's a sense of intimacy, of his seeking one-on-one time and closeness rather than his sister's charismatic control of the world-as-stage.

I do think he has at least one totem animal already established, though I can't tell if its the dragonfly or the lacewing (they're quite similar). I saw quite a lot of these when he was conceived and at several provocative times during the pregnancy - provocative as in not ignorable or not just background, they stood out. This totem might not last him into adulthood, as with his sister's birth totem of the koala it has applications now but might just be a childhood thing. But the link is there.

Past lives - still not terribly visible to me (and they may never be, or only when useful). I did have a hint of one at some point, now what was it... oh yes. A fairly recent life as an Aboriginal in the Northern Territory, giving his spirit a link to the place where he was conceived and where I travelled at that time of reception. Probably but not necessarily pre-white days. He certainly wasn't a troubled man in that life, not on the downward slope. More of a (yet again) green man and wild caretaker, and if what I see is right that was a spiritual process as well as physical - he was relatively skilled in that arena. The theme repeats. I don't yet know if he has any direct connection with my lives or if I've known him before. But we get along pretty well regardless, he belongs in my family tree whoever he is. He's definitely more connected to my family than W's.

I still don't see any major arrows or skews on his life path, it's fairly straightforward at this point. Things may develop, but for now it's just getting on with it and moving along. He's not facing any major challenges any time soon, just needs to grow and develop and begin focusing his skills to reach the same levels he's had before. It's like his life is more about using what he's learnt to make changes in the world around him (physically as much as socially) rather than being for his own personal development.

I do find I instinctively get along with him. He's a bit temperamental at times, but usually in understandable ways. I just like him, and I have to admit more so than his sister though she's pretty cool too. Not that I'm going to play favourites. It just is.

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Some thoughts on the Schmetterling, the Grünermann and magic

Feb. 5th, 2011 | 11:03 pm

I haven't posted for a while. Many reasons, partly exhaustion from this second pregnancy, partly lack of anything much happening on the magic, sexuality or spiritual side of life. My days mostly consist of entertaining and guiding a toddler. But there's a few things I should make note of, and don't think I have previously. I might be wrong on that, my memory is shaky lately.

First, a quick summary on some stuff to do with the Schmetterling which I may have previously posted in some forms. When I was pregnant with her, I was restricted from practicing magic. I'm still not totally sure why but it was something to do with an incompatibility of some sort. She has plenty of magic of her own, a similar kind of connection to the one I do, she certainly displays the glamourie or something similar projection-wise. And you'd think her magic would be related to mine, but I get the feeling that while some things are related, much more of it is like her father's in some way. I won't really know much about this for a long time I suspect. I know she has at least one totem animal - the koala - and probably shares one totem tree each with her father (apple) and my mother (redwood) but that's still quite vague and may well change, it's a child's setting rather than an adult practitioner's setting. And I may be misreading, kinda hard to tell at this point. Regarding past lives and previous connections, I don't sense a great deal of previous connection between myself and her. There's a hint of memory that she was someone I knew in my past life with my old companion back on the wall north of Hadrian's, not well but a young soldier that he and I kept an eye out for, and that that was the last ("most recent") life she and I shared. I also have a hint or two that her most recent life was as a young Western soldier in the Vietnam War, that she spent time talking with a priest related to that, and that she did not cope well with the war and did not live too long after (if at all). This should all be taken in my usual context of not-quite-believing in past lives as anything more than a useful story that elucidates the subconscious.

When it comes to her life path, I have the distinct feeling that while she carries the markers of the bloodline that I needed to ensure I passed on, these will not be the dominant force in her life. Those markers are like a time bomb, something waiting to happen that's been carried a long time and is almost there. 2050 or so is my guess, and probably her children will be the ones who activate it or are activated by it. The Schmetterling herself has more in her life path to do with my husband's family, some sense of redemption and refocusing, of taking elements they've brought and... shifting them. Or something like that. I'm not really sure, except that her life focuses more around her father's side of the family than mine. Even though her soul entered her body while I was at the family farm and centred in my own heartland (which I do think has some meaning), she will be less tied to the multi-generational work that my family's been doing for a long time now, possibly even completely and deliberately separated from it (as far as her nature allows). Lastly, in her life path I also sense some major issue when she is three. Something I have in my more emotional moments apologised to her and even cried for, though I don't know what it is. It may be as simple as just moving back to the city of her father's parents, I'd thought it might be when her sibling arrived but I'm wrong on that(!), or anything up to the worst imaginings a parent has. Whatever, and I don't know and try not to think about it in case I create it, regardless, I know that at that point she needs to rely on a lot more of her own self-resilience and her own competence, which is a big ask for a three year old. I would have been training her to competence anyway, but there's a certain pressure in me to ensure that by the time she's three she has a really strong sense of how to do things, how to look after and manage herself, and that she *can* do things, because after that I may not get much more chance. It's the things I do with her before she's three and before this thing happens that will be my biggest influence on her and on the directions she is able to take.

So, second, to the Grünermann. That's what I'll call him for now. My and W's son, not yet arrived. Magically, he is somewhat of a contrast. He was conceived in the tropics, in the early Dry season when life is full of green fire and everything is growing with sun and the memory of the monsoon. When the springs are still running full. When it was hot. Here in my current city, I've felt him respond to the season of green fire as it came and went in our late spring, felt him respond to the tides of the clouds brought on the northeasterly winds, felt him thrive on the feeling of my garden lighting up in warm rain and throwing out hundreds of tendrils, shoots and deep green leaves. Running wild. Where the Schmetterling seems attached to the winter cities, I suspect that the Grünermann will, like me, follow the sun. I've had no restrictions on practising magic while carrying him, no reluctance. I think it's because the magic in his blood is so akin to mine that there would be no conflict, or because he was conceived within such strong magic that the little things I might do will be almost imperceptible to him, either or both of those reasons could be right. Or wrong. I don't know, I just know that I wasn't given the "no magic" restriction this time. Maybe it's because he's not a sensitive at all whereas the Schmetterling will be. Who knows. I do know that the green fire will be a regular theme in his life. As far as anything else like totems or personality or connections or past lives goes, I don't know yet and won't know for some time. I didn't feel him arrive into his body in the same way I did the Schmetterling (who was very strong and vivid and clear), he was just eventually there. I don't yet have any sense of whether or not I have previous connections with him, I suspect I may have to see or hold him to be able to release the memories. I don't think his magic will work in a form that his father is able to really "get", there will be a conflict there. Not a conflict between them so much, but more like an incompatibility in the patterns they are each able to use.

As far as his life path goes, he is far more likely to take up the work of my family, and of my two children the one more likely to return to the farm and become a farmer. I don't know why I think or feel this. But it's there. I'm not sure if he carries the markers of my bloodline, that may be another thing I have to see him grow to be sure of. He may have them in a form that's harder for me to see - such as the form my brother has instead of the form I and my male cousin do (and that I think my mother's father had, which is the line I think the markers are coming down). I also don't have the same sense of something impending that I do for the Schmetterling. Well, I do, but it's not the same thing, not striking at either the same age or the same time and not requiring as much preparation. There is something on his life path at around the age of five, so almost four years after my daughter's thingy. I suspect school, maybe, because it doesn't feel as serious, just something that will have to be dealt with. Whatever affects her isn't going to touch him particularly. Whether that's because it won't reach him, or it will but he'll be too young to notice, or what, I don't know. But it leaves my worries reduced so I'm OK with that. I don't need to prepare him in the same way, but only in the way I would prepare him for a life well-lived regardless.

I really should sleep. I can't remember if I've written everything down that I was going to. But it will serve as a record of what I think I know or feel at this time.

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Paths, processes and systems - part 3: sources

Aug. 3rd, 2010 | 08:40 pm

Part three of the emails I sent to M - about sources of magic. It's an attempt to summarise, as before it's not intended to be a perfect laying out of the options but as best as I can come up with given my own understandings. Feel free to add any comments or opinions or discussion, all welcome.

I thought about it last night, and I think I know what the third email should be about.

Where does magic come from / what is it?

Seems like a basic question, but when you live and breathe it you forget that it needs to be asked sometimes.

There's several different takes on it, which I'll attempt to briefly summarise.

On science, and on three overall categories of thought on where the source/s of magic is/areCollapse )

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Paths, processes and systems - part 2

Jul. 30th, 2010 | 10:19 pm

Part two of the emails I sent to M to start to lay out this world and the different beliefs about how it works, or could work. This one's about what you can and can't do, the "processes" of the title above. As before, comments extremely welcome - it's not meant to be totally complete in and of itself, but hopefully it's a good starting point.

There's paths, and there's processes, and together they form systems that within them include ways to perceive and work with the spiritual/magical world as well as ways to make sure people play safe, play nice and don't fuck themselves or anyone else over. I've described the "who", i.e. a few of the existing systems (which you may already have mostly known about) in Part 1. Now I'll come back to the "what" that is more about what different people/systems think you can do.

First, the restrictions.Collapse )

Let's look at some things different people try and do.Collapse )

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Paths, processes and systems - part 1

Jul. 29th, 2010 | 10:41 am

I'm going to put up some of the stuff from the original emails I sent M after our conversation where we started talking about magic and I started trying to lay out some of the shapes of the world for her. She had no idea what was out there, so I ended up sending a few emails that just categorised a bunch of stuff. This is part 1, on paths. Feel free to comment, to add bits or correct bits.

There's paths, and there's processes. Paths are things like religions or belief systems, that usually contain one or more processes for managing / affecting the spiritual or magical world along with any rules or codes of behaviour for what kind of affect is appropriate. Your mainstream religions take the ability to affect the s-world and put it in the hands of highly trained people (priests, pastors, rabbis, mullahs etc etc), leaving simple prayer as the only appropriate method for the layperson. The ability to do things like bless food or drink gets given to the highly trained representatives who've also been trained in the responsibilities and are in a political system that uses checks and balances to keep them roughly in line and observed by peers or hierarchy. The earth and pagan religions as well as more mystic forms of mainstream religions (eg Quakers) take some of that power and responsibility and put it back to
everybody (eg Quakers believe that everyone can hear and interpret the word of God, not just the priests). Not all paths are religious in nature - for example, despite common perception, the Jedi path and some Druid paths do not require a belief in one or any gods. Technomages that treat magic as a different sort of science can also be a bit this way.

Quick description of some common categories of pathCollapse )

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Jul. 29th, 2010 | 10:28 am

I dreamt a lot last night. Starting to think about magic, both for M and for another friend (hereby nicknamed "Chef" :-) who is asking questions too. There was one dream sequence which was quite rich and detailed, but which basically summed up to a statement that I really needed to pay more attention. I tend to live immersed in this world that magic and the spiritual are a big part of, but in the last couple of years I've been mostly not dipping in too far. Living in it, the same way I live in a world full of physics, but it's been a long time since I did the magical equivalent of running over a pit of broken glass or burning coals. Part of that was the pregnancy - I was discouraged from practicing any magic while carrying the Schmetterling other than the healing/shielding/filtering I had to do on her at around fourteen (or was it eighteen?) weeks. And then since then I've been pretty darn tired and sleep deprived for over a year now :-) The dream was basically saying "stop pissfarting around and taking it all so lightly - you need to pay more attention, and it's time for you to step a level deeper in in your work." So I'm not sure what, or how, but the message has been Received. Time for more seriousness.

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Back to basics

Jul. 28th, 2010 | 09:27 pm

I had a long chat with M a couple of days ago. M's the one who I'm, for want of a better word, tutoring, though suggesting/guiding is also accurate. It seems to be a fair enough match - my somewhat scientific and highly flexible approach is a good fit to her desire for clarity and preference to work from first principles. It was an interesting chat too in that a lot of the key discussion took place in an unexpected location, and it would be interesting to see what she made of that spot.

So where we got to (as much for my own memory aid as anything): safety; brief discussion on cleansing (spaces and yourself) that just floated a few ideas for her to think further on and possibly play with; chat about M's strengths, weaknesses, styles, motivations; some discussion about awareness and trying to be more aware generally that led to an agreement that at some time we should do a sensing exercise (which I'll have to think through a bit before we try it); and my next task being to come up with some kind of recommended reading list for her that might help with both sorting the chaff and with giving us some more common language.

Safety was the big thing we talked about, really. M made the very good observation that I did not appear to be using "protect from harm" as my base assumption for what safety meant. And it's true. Sort of. My base assumption is not what you'd expect. I think safety is a lot about knowing your limits and not doing stupid stuff, but I'm not inclined to follow the route most formalised systems do and place a boundary around a group of lessons and say "Here, you can play with everything in this box and there is a 99.9% chance of nothing going wrong. When you've played with all these and know how to not make them explode I'll give you the next box." Instead, I figure M is going to explore, to question, to experiment - she's probably not going to be able to help herself. Safety then becomes teaching her how to know when something is not right, not appropriate, going too far, or out of her reach for now. So I tried to come up with some sensible basic guidelines to start with that I knew a) she would remember, b) covered as much as possible and would be appropriate for as long as she practices magic and that c) weren't tied to any particular understanding of the universe. Given that we're not working with a formalised system the latter's important. Awkward, because it means we have very little common language to talk about these things, but important.

So my current list of safety checks is this:
* Check your wellspring before you do stuff - how high is it, and is it high enough? If it's not, leave the play for another time. (Wellspring is partly about energy levels, partly about connection, partly about physical/mental/emotional strength - lots of stuff. It's an intuitive concept rather than a clearly delineated one.)
* Don't use more than you've got. If this is going to take the equivalent of an entire power station and you've got one candle, things Will Go Wrong.
* If it seems like a bad idea, Don't Do It. Ask your teacher instead, that's what they're here for. And you don't have to have any reason why it's a bad idea.
* Know thyself. If you start feeling physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually drained, unbalanced, unwell, not quite up to scratch, Tell Your Teacher. There's being tired because you've worked hard, and there's not feeling right. You know the difference, don't ignore it.

So, what have I missed? What would you add to this list?

I haven't put anything about working in a safe or clean space in there yet. We discussed the concept briefly but to me there are a whole bunch of issues wrapped up in that - we need to have some longer talks about the concepts involved in protection, and also start looking at the sensing involved in knowing if a place or time is "safe" for what ever definition of safe you need to use, whether that's safe for you or safe *from* you. So that will get added in, but it wasn't an easy guideline to sum up simply with someone who is still so new. I'm putting it more under the common sense thing for now and assuming that we'll talk about appropriate guidelines for that once she's had more of a play with and think about cleansing and awareness. Which reminds me, I need to do some work on both of those myself. Maybe tomorrow. I'm not too well today, so my spring is a bit low for most work despite the recent tap into the great river.

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Magic teaching

Jul. 18th, 2010 | 01:33 pm

Also, while I'm logged on (having not been on much for a few months - the Schmetterling is now mobile at speed and I spend my days mostly chasing her around rather than having my laptop within reach :-) :

I got asked by a friend about magic. We had a preliminary conversation, which (by request) I followed up with some emails. She partly wanted my input because I have the scientific background and ordered logical thinking, and she felt that would help her make sense of it. So I wrote a couple of emails which I might cut and paste into this journal for anyone who feels like it to argue over or discuss - they were neither comprehensive nor definitive, so there's room for adjustment. After some time to think it through, she asked if I would be willing to teach her. And that was a yes, supported by my Lady and other influences. So I guess I start officially teaching shortly, though it's more of a mentoring / suggesting / guiding rather than leading. We're meeting up on Wednesday for lunch and we'll see where it goes. I'm not sure what exactly I'm going to teach, but I'm fairly sure it will work out about right - she's smart enough to know if she wants to go in a particular direction and what she's comfortable with, so then it's just down to encouraging a fuller perception of this great world around us so that she can start to see the world she's taking her first steps in.

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